Little Rock

ok, so Little Rock...
it was so impressive, I just hate to even talk about it cuz it ain't happenin
the hospital was just unreal, so up-to-date, everything geared toward kids, fantastic 3-D artwork on the walls, kids' artwork everywhere, high-tech everything, the faculty and residents were SO nice and got along SO well (and their reputation gives them the right to be arrogant, but they're not!) AND the program is big, but it doesn't seem like an anonymous doctor factory like Baylor...plus that makes call really nice
surprisingly, there are tons of Texas people there
6/7 of the applicants that day were from Texas
one of the interns said he'd made it to every Aggie home game this season, that's pretty impressive for an intern...
and i just love Arkansas, it's soooooo pretty
Little Rock's not that pretty, it's just a poor city, but I still like it, lots of old houses, I love old buildings, AND Clinton is from there...so...that's nice
and there's a huge farmers market twice a week down by the river, plus some of the residents have a bimonthly potluck thingy...and since i love love love to cook, that would be fun
I got a private tour of the PICU and met the ICU docs
AND they're the only children's hospital in the whole state plus they catch kids in states surrounding Arkansas, too
AND you can go on transports including helicopter!!

however, i'm not going to talk about it ANYMORE

I stayed with a girl in LR, ex-military, works for the power company
she lives in an olllld building that's been fixed up, hardwood floors, the old kinda windows that are painted shut and have that echoey shudder if you tap them, she lived a block from the governor's mansion, two kitty kitties, she seems to have lived everywhere and traveled everywhere, I feel like such a homebody
she cooked us lasagna and then we walked to a nearby bar in the misting cool
the houses were out of this world, old, individual, a church converted into apartments, what would it be like to live in a church? sidewalks cracked into exaggerated angles by roots of oak trees
we saw a live band called The Honkies
they were really great, southern rock/bluegrass, harmonica and steel guitar, and this one 'guest' singer, she was so amazing! a smallish girl but she belted out Johnny Cash and everyone was just absorbed in her talent, no gimmicks she just stood there and swayed to her beat and sang her little heart out
*sigh*

i'm a slacker blogger of late

i'm in charleston and they're playing all my favorite songs on the classic rock station
is that a sign??

plus i have sort of a light and airy feeling
maybe it's the hotel, i'm right on the charleston bay, top floor
it's beautiful and crisp and sunshiney :)

i don't even wanna talk about Little Rock...
Savannah good, more later :)

man, i remember this, this was my world, all we knew, all we hung out with all we talked about the people who babysat me the people we lived with the people who slept on our couch the people we visited in the hospital us kids who ironically used together the kids i babysat, they're all the same, same stories same smokey laugh and wrinkles same sayings same amused feeling when the 'nice old lady' tells some real fucked up story he tells me about the latest kid how her mom's in jail the difference in dopamine receptors for coke and meth and remember the coke in Tampa? and how you don't have to cook meth anymore and oh remember lisa? yeah she jumped in front of a train few months back and it's a good thing you grew up with it all so it lost it's glamour and don't med students drink a lot? well you got it in your blood ya know you need to be careful...
he got up from the restaurant table, outside to smoke a cigarette
they immediately turned to me, 'let us get your phone number in case anything happens youknownottoscareyoubuthegetsdepressedandallandwewouldn't
knowwhotocallifsomethingweretohappenyou'retheonlyfamilywe
knowofhehardlyeverleavesthehouseandwejustwantyoutoknow
thatit'sokthatyouleftyoushouldn'tfeelguiltyaboutwantingtobeina
betterplacegettinganeducationandallyoudidtherightthingand
we'resoproudofyou...' and on and on as i pinched an unseen piece of skin on the back of my neck to keep from losing it, i've gotten soft in my old age and i hate crying in public, and it's glaring in my face where i can't just not answer the phone, he's sick and i'm it, and i left, i abandoned them to save myself and i don't care and i don't feel guilty and i don't give a fuck, but sometimes i do, and i knew it would be like this, coming back, too many memories, too many old stories, too many dead people, and i hate coming back, but i feel like i'm betraying the place i came from, like i can't forget that girl, she's relying on me to make it all worthwhile, and who do you think you are don't forget, you're not from Texas and you're not from Westlake and you'll never belong in the six-figure world

next

been sitting for days trying to make words spring from this keyboard
total block
last entry was crap, i just posted it because i was tired of messing with it
it always seems so clear in your manic thoughts
but monotone,dilute, muted,with no dimension when you smear it on blank paper

i needed a new medium
and mom had charcoal...

my box

sitting up straight on the edge of an old wooden chair
feet planted and eyes locked in a silent standoff
a fresh coat of gritty stubbornness
to mask the fear and suspicion
protectively, I clutch it to my middle with both hands
.....
as my fingertips reluctantly ease the lid open
my secrets scurry from the light
like roaches to dark corners
'n-no, you definitely can't..hold it'
(are you insane?
I'd rather run naked through the Capitol building)

Merry Christmas

Jesus was a Capricorn
he ate organic food
he believed in love and peace
and he never wore no shoes