he seemed to delight in his own cruelty
the tears verifying his wit
amused by the trusting fool before him
her heart in a puddle at his feet

(don't worry this is not about you, you're not the mascot)

ladies...I have a sweep

AND I bought a TWENTY-TWO x TWENTY-EIGHT inch canvas!!
it's just sitting on my table
and i'm scared to death
we're having a stare down
but i'll win
letcha know how it goes ;)

an old man in the grocery store told me I was a beautiful woman and I wanted to hug him
whether he was dirty or senile or has a poor grasp of the english language
lately, I've only been described as tired, sick, bored, or post-call
yeah, that's the best
walk in, just woke up an hour ago, all showered, ready to go, and someone says 'aw man, how was your call last night'
much akin to asking someone if they are pregnant
yeah
which!! by the way, I was just asked last month
granted I was sitting down
but what the hey, man

I think I see my neon sign

Tug can now,
jump up
grab the tops of drawers
and hang on as they slowly slide out
he's nuts

sooo....
----deep breath---
*sigh*
;)

i keep waiting for the 'rough times' to hit
intern year was supposed to be scary/awful/sleepless/no-personal-time
but....it's not
yet (i know, knock on wood)
I'm actually having fun (don't tell my attendings:) and my 'colleagues' are fantabulous (and really smart)
the learning curve is steep steep steep and i don't feel like 3 years is enough time to learn everything i should know!
but i look forward to every day, how many people can say that about their jobs?

parents killed on the scene
had to hold down 18month old while they stuck her repeatedly
she was screaming for her mommy
I felt as if i were participating in torture
i cried on the way home

--sorry these are often depressing, this is just my way to purge the bad parts

Oh, Deer!

...so i have this reputation of picking up strays
much to the exasperation of my former roommates
but it's usually been limited to cats and dogs
(except for that one cockatiel I found in a tree...oh, and then there was that skunk)
anyway
driving home post-call, kinda got that post-call loopy/sleep-desperate thang
the cars in my lane are one by one driving around what looks like a piece of cardboard
when i come up on it, nope, it's a fawn (that's a baby deer, no I'm not a hick, but I have seen Bambi)
well, shit
I pull in front of him
he can't get his legs under him, he is totally freakin out, trying to clamber out of the road, over the curb, his little knees are scraped up and bleeding, blood at his butt (bad news), he is just in a panic
who the hell do I call, and when would they get there (more importantly, how long am I gonna have to stand in this hot sun directing traffic...post-call)
obviously, i can't wait around for someone, I have to just do it myself
just cleaned out my truck, nothing in there to pick him up with except.......
my pristine, one-month-old, very-important-looking white coat
well, hell it was free and I don't wear it anyway!
wrap him up, lug him into the bed of my truck
drive to the nearest vet clinic (I mean they can at least pop in an IV, right? until the deer-people arrive?)
Sunday. Closed.
i sort of want to cry
happened to see a fire truck man, flag him down, we spend 30minutes calling around
finally the friggin wildlife rescue call back (first people i called), they can't find a game warden to meet me, say they'll keep calling around, I wait an HOUR
deer's just hangin out in the bed,lookin around, bleeding
ya know, usual
finally they call and ask if I can drive 45 minutes to Kendalia where the rescue is
at first I say ok (just whatever, want the deer out of my truck)
then my last caffeinated neuron fires: stupid idea, no sleep, driving, very bad
dammit, stupid damn deer
I need a nap
I drive home, with Bambi and his huge ears, just taking in the view
I know he's a deer, real out-doorsy type, but I felt bad leaving him in the hot sun
so I parked my truck sideways in the front yard, with the bed under a tree
"I'm real sorry and I hope you don't die, but I have to take a nap"

hi
i'm beating my head against a brick wall right now
please leave a message
i'll get back to you as soon as i regain consciousness

(ok, R, so this one's not literal :)

Barefoot in Dutch: vonder schoenen
Barefoot in Swedish: utan skor
Barefoot in Norwegian: barfot

my heart is too small for all the blood

i can feel it against my spine
like it's claustrophobic in there and can't get out
my upper arms pulse with it
the veins in my hands are knotted ropes coiled under my skin
and i can't sleep
but i'm not tired
i'm just not fully alive

when was The End?

if you ever get a chance,
add detergent and let the water fill the washing machine before throwing your clothes in
then smush your clothes elbow-deep into the sudsy water
no seriously, just do it

i begin i begin i begin on sunday
for a long time...

I've been puttering and nesting and making lists and running very organized errands
by organized I mean, on a list, that's numbered, organized by placement along my route
maybe my recent OCD is comforting
like trying to make up for my feelings of complete inadequacy


today, I:
1) illegally parked at the bank and darted across the street to have my PPD read and pick up my badge
2) got Chic-Fil-A partly to self-pardon my illegal parking (same parking lot) and partly because I love their waffle fries
3) ate and watched Cops on the couch with Link-the-Bored
4) took NINE pairs of pants to the tailor because i'm tired of wearing high-waters and i hate shopping
5) bought a bird-feeder for Link and a bag of mulch that I can't lift out of my truck
6) PDA
7) adopted a kitten named Roast Beef
8) pruned my crepe myrtles and counseled my jasmine on their direction of growth
9) intern party with taco cabana and coors light and babies
10) updated my day-planner...again

Update

(per Roopita)

*warning: random, unorganized, and probably too boring, but what the hay*

i DID start!

...and I had forgotten how friggin awesome our program is
there are so many ways to customize your residency, annnnd I'll probably have zero time to do anything I really wanna do, ha (research, legislative advocacy, international experience, SAMM)
although DWB did finally send me an info pamphlet, maybe I'll put it on the fridge as an inspirational push

and our class meshes really well, i hate to say surprisingly, but it's a happy surprise:) I mean...I'm not Miss Bubbles and don't have the sorority personality often required to just jump casually and gracefully into a group
Casual and graceful, no. Awkward and forced, usually.
but, I must say, I feel comfortable and open
a few girls live close to me so that's nice
we have big plans (for all our free time) of catching up on Lost, salsa dancing, and cooking
I hope I'm not the dumbest one in the group

I really think we've had a great start, our director, chairman, a few nurses and residents we've met, are all fabulous, know each other well, enthusiastic, inspirational, funny, and energetic

I'M ON CALL THE VERY FIRST DAY!!!
yes, that's right. Throw me into the fire! It'll be totally fine. Totally. Absolutely.
The girl I'm on call with lives real close, so we're carpooling. She's an Aggie, we have a mutual friend, she's smart

i'm really tired. i only worked 7-5. but at least i have tomorrow morning off

i'm a bridesmaid on Saturday. I'll try on the dress for the first time on Saturday. I hope I didn't fuck up the size :/ I'm sort of selfishly glad she's not going on a honeymoon so that I can have her back in SA:)

i hardly ever see A, she studies alllll the time (remember her first year? like that...but probably worse?) She does leave sinfully tempting UsWeekly magazines around for procrastination purposes :)

ummmmm, everyone has asked about you, R&C, wanting to know where you are and how you're doing

i still haven't planted over half the plants i bought
i still haven't posted pics dating back to March
these are on my ever increasing to-do list

a college student knocked on my door,

...and asked if my mom was home

magnanimous

I start June 18th and am oh so excited
there are 8 (9?) people from my class in my intern class, and though I don't know all of them well, what little I do know is that they are all sweet and friendly and hardworking and I'm really looking forward to the next 3 years with them...

my new house I love
it's kinda dark during the day, but I guess that's good for A/C
my yard, I love my yard, and my back patio is cool during the day, and there are brave, trapeze-artist squirrels for Link's entertainment
...and thank goodness A&A are still in town or I would go nuts with all-by-myself-ness
when A#1 leaves then that'll be it, all gone, I don't wanna think about it :(

boy was almost attacked by swan magnanimo yesterday, it really was a close call i think
swan magnanimo was not happy with boy's curious dog and began walking out of the water hissing lowly only a few feet away
he was only protecting his swan family, which is the right thing to do i guess

a turtle madly swimming against the current
his flat legs flailing wildly determined to make it upstream
but getting absolutely nowhere
who knew you could feel such a connection with a turtle

more nonsensical escalations
yayyyyy

times they are a'changin

so I went to NYC
graduated from med school
saw a good friend marry the man of her dreams
bought and moved into my first house (it has blue carpet)
and said goodbye-for-now to a few of my closest friends

I have pictures to post but it takes soooooo loooooonnnnng!

I have been in a writing slump (apologies to my secret admirer who checks every few hours ;)

I need a kick in the tush

I'm tired of being gloomy...

6th street dog

right? same dog??

so.
'you look for the truth. and it comes knocking on the door. and you say, Go away! I'm busy looking for the truth!'
I think i read that somewhere, or something like that...

replace 'the truth' with 'something'
i've been looking for something
and it might be knocking on the door
but i don't recognize it through the peephole
but what do i have to compare it to, really
and worse yet is knowing
that it still longs for that first something it felt

I went to NYC.

It was fun.

beware all the pretty colors
whirling in a cautious dance
the canvas a torn and dingy paper
pinned on the wall
my brush defies limits
glides onto the cracked wall
a glistening roach scampers across my bare toes
dodging a drip of blue
i reach out to kill the light
a dangling naked bulb
the colors now heard
not a decision, but rather gravity
drip drip deafening
exhale
i pulled the cord
i broke the circuit
sleep kidnaps my consciousness
the colors slide down the paper
the roach reads Shakespeare
I die a sweet dream
once upon a time

can't make myself write
block

tumbling out of bed
taking leave from sleep-thoughts of failure
gag the screaming appliance that crams me into a schedule
vulgar light penetrates defensively squinting lids

ugh

call on everything
leaving no stone unturned
'self-security'
becomes cross-examination
driving away
who would stay?
just shutup
let go
if it doesn't swing your way
you'll live

Go. To. Sleep!!

right now!

ok!

NOW!!

OK FINE!

geez...

I'm staying in TEXAS!! waaahooooo!!!!!!!

...I actually have roots, I can really be from here, I can stay here, I can have old fart friends :)

and my far-awayers can stay with me any anytime no matter what no planning required...

Update

Update for my womens in India:
(also: A -- please note numbers 4 & 6)

1) Rxy is engaged!! ...yeah, that's what Amanda and I said, too...
2) R-- I went to visit Sonja and you can hear crickets chirping in clinic. She said they are soooo slooooooow. You and I must be nephro-magnets!
3) ...so ummm... :)
4) S's bachelorette party is gonna be in Austin (hooray!)...more details later.
5) Link is nekkid
6) There is a shopping cart race in Austin in May (i think). I think we should be a team. So start thinking of a theme, ladies, cuz we have to dress up!
7) Currently, I still miss you.

backtowork

I started ENT Monday (above-your-shoulders surgery, except brains 'n' eyes)...they found out i'm going into pediatrics, and by Tuesday, they'd tailored my whole rotation toward pediatrics!! They moved me from UH (Ungodly Hellhole) to Santa Rosa (= free parking, free food, nice people, great hospital, all kiddos), and I work only with one resident and one attending. Yesterday, the resident and I did a surgery while the attending was in the corner fiddling with his camera. Hooray!! I still love love love surgery, but I am so glad I picked pedi. Today, we were done at 9am (right?!?) , but did I go home? haha, noooo, I went and hung out in the PICU for 3 hours, cuz I'm a nerrrrrd and I luuuuuv it. I ran into lots of pedi docs I've gotten to work with over the past few years *joyful*, and it made me so excited about next year, no matter where I go. I saw the neurosurgery team; they're always together and they strollll when they walk and they're awesome. The kidney doctor, soft-spoken and twinkley-eyed smiling as he does impossibly long math calculations in his head while everyone else clamors for a calculator, only to confirm his genius. Super-energetic ICU doc, she's intimidating in a fantastic sorta way (I want her job!) The dialysis guy who told me last year he was glad I was going into peds (compliments from nursing, very meaningful to me, because they totally don't have to). The Irish nun (social worker? just-a-nun-doing-nun-stuff?) who greets you like she's known you forever. *sigh* It's nice to be back at work...
...but I miss the ladies in India *sigh*. apparently amanda's been hanging out with them without me, hooker. Well, I guess I was there, but maybe had too much to drink??

he stumbled
and i turned around, walked away
it was supposed to be easy
and safe
and fun
and who cares
a temporary cardboard cutout
the exit door in sight and propped open
but i turned around, walked away
without a plan or a map or a clue
deep breath, close your eyes, jump
i don't know where i'm going
but oddly i don't feel lost
and i really don't know what i'm doing
but it's nice to breathe out
even though this, too, is temporary
as the calendar pages beat a path to somewhere
and i'm forced to turn around, walk away

nervous and awkward
and stupid and mute
and responsible
like i should fix it
and i should
and i try
like if you know you're a disaster
and so you surround yourself with orange cones
but they want to step over the orange cones
and you have to say, no no wait, i'm a disaster
don't you see the orange cones?!
but of course they don't see any orange cones
and so now they really think you're nuts

Alabama

Whoo! Drivin back to Alabama for my last interview...
Mostly excited to see my brother, meet his wife and kid (he has a kid! crazy...)

These are the Talladega mountains

This is the Talladega speedway
Home of Ricky Bobby...yes, of course I stopped to take pictures, Home of Ricky Bobby!!


...in Birmingham
they must've known I was comin'
perty colors
this is me
reading A's post about how she didn't see me wearing my gloves...
(it's been friggin cold everywhere I've been, those gloves have been awwwwesome, I keep 'em in the pockets of my floofy blue jacket.)
Hoorayyyy!! They live in a smaller town outside B-ham (that's how the locals spell Birmingham, and that's like way cool...and short...so I will too). I let myself in the house and took a giant nap until he got home, then we met his new additions at a fannntastic BBQ place. Isn't she pretty?? She looks like a prettier, shorter Britney Spears...

I quickly got used to Logan's radius. If you set ANYthing down within his reach, it was either in his mouth or launched across the room...
my brother is wearing a suit and tie
willingly
I still think he's 12 years old

Brett plays guitar, Logan plays drums on the guitar




no more autographs please...


he...is...sooo...cute


this is my new Braves hat!!!

cartoon behind us?...wayyy more important than that damn flashy thingy


and last but not least...
the perfect photo to whip out when he brings girls home!!

South Carolina

nowww we're gettin down into some lowww country
this is the good stuff
southeast swamp-before-the-sea
think storky-lookin' birds
still water
thick swampy woods
and snakes




this sorrrta looks like central florida
except maybe not so many skinny trees that close together
but swampy, thick, palmettos
add some cypress, oaks, and moss






anybody need rabbits? worms? anyone? y'all good?


this is the view from my hotel room in Charleston
'sniiize
The lady I stayed with is an old hippie. Looong strawberry blonde, graying hair, smoker voice, hunched a little with a limp. She greeted me with a big hippie hug, walked me to the visitor's center, got me a map, and X'ed out all the 'cracktown' neighborhoods, as she called them, then she sent me on my way to explore Charleston.







This dude's name is Calhoun. I don't know why he has his own statue.
pretty colors...

some citadel boys, running through a giant park, several pick-up soccer games


odd couple?
this is my SunDrop
I asked my hippie hostess to recommend a good place to eat.
She said, Go down King Street and stop in the first place that smells good to you
...so this is me in a Greek diner on King Street.

This lady I will never forget. She lives in part of an old church building right in the middle of
Charleston. Olllld skinny, two-story wood houses with peeling white paint, people leaning against buildings, stray dogs. Her place had old, sloping wood & linoleum floors, painted shut windows, no overhead lights just lamps, the shower was in a free standing tub and the ceiling was so low in the bathroom I couldn't stand up straight. She marches on Market Street to protest the war every Saturday. She carries signs and cards with the names of all the deceased soldiers. She'd lived all over the US, mostly in communes on little farms. She used to own a cloth diaper business. She was a school teacher in the Netherlands. She has two sons and 4 grandsons. She had ill-fitting dentures traced in the black rot that lay underneath. She is an active member of a kabillion internet peace sites. She plays bass. She felt comfortable enough to tell me a lot of personal things. She doesn't really have it all together, but she has a good heart. She talked about leaving Charleston, moving closer to her sons, and I think she should. I trusted her, but not her affiliations. I took a knife from her kitchen and slept with it that night, jussst in case they stopped by.


this was my room and my bed. The bags are the cloth diapers she's trying to sell on E-bay. Local kids from all the Charleston elementary schools had designed 'peace doves' that were then strung together by ribbon. My hostess was in charge putting up the doves for the MLK parade that was to be held the Monday after I left. By the time these boxes of ribbon-connected doves reached her, they were horribly tangled. She'd mentioned her arthritis earlier (while crossing out 'cracktowns'), and so I offered to untangle them for her.

These are some of my favorites...





I don't know why this bird reminds me of Capone...Later, I asked if she wanted to go see some live music with me. She was sooo excited, saying she hadn't had a 'girls' night in a while. She put on some bright red lipstick, and we were off in her sputtering little truck. Guy playing guitar is a third year pediatric resident...